Monopoli Slate Plus memberPrudie discusses a new letter with a fellow slate colleague. Are there any questions about Prudie? Submit here.
Dear prudence,
When do you have to date people who don’t think you are not interested? I am a 32 -year -old CIS woman who has been identified as BI for a long time. I haven’t had sex with others or have a romantic relationship, but I think I want to be a long -term partner. Most of the time, I didn’t use this type of connection as a priority, I wasn’t interested in many people, and some crushes were difficult (e.g. university team members… But we didn’t go out). I have also spent the last decade to challenge the recovery from anorexia, which makes it difficult to socialize. I felt that it was not worth the energy of others, and I was worried that the new partner would still not be able to gain weight to achieve to maintain health. Perhaps there is a nerve shift and sometimes it is difficult to choose social dynamics.
Two years ago, I moved to a new city for college jobs and led to a much better place physically and mentally. He also went to the wedding of a university roommate (“K”) and connected it with another alum “G”. G is very kind, and we have some sharing interests, and I am admired by his passion for his life, but he is a little… It can also be intense. After the wedding, he invited various things in both the group environment and one -on -one. I refused most of the struggle for work and/or eating disorders, so I saw him a few times after K’s wedding.
Finally, there was a small flight flight with K and her husband. I had a good time, but he also made me uncomfortable by presenting a variety of small gifts as a “thank you” that shows him around the campus facility a few weeks ago. He then asked if he wanted to go to the museum with him. If you want to go to one of the murder mystery dinner party (it was much more expensive than the museum and it was much more than you want to have dinner), you want hiking if you want to hike someday. None of them are explicitly framed on the date, and everything that a general friend suggests is usually fun, but facing these specific invitations is paralyzed.
My therapist is forced to provide some of these outing with G with the reason that the big part of my resistance is a fear of a new situation, it may take time to grow, and it will be a good learning experience. I am worried about the encouragement of his interest, given that he does not like him in the same way as he likes me. Do you have to try more with him and see how it works? I’m lonely, but I don’t think the relationship should be felt like this. How can I know the internal signal I should listen?
-uncertain
Desmond-Harris Jenee: What is the therapist happening? This reminds me of a conversation with my friend recently. She was talking to me about the man she had dated and everything she didn’t like, and I think she had vomiting noise at one point. And she said the therapist said she was giving her three months. 3 months? I do not agree with any kind of authority, but I can’t get advice from the therapist in this letter.
Nadira GoffE: Well, I think that the character writer should look inside for a while and find out if he likes or not and why he can find out why. “Intense” sounds a bit strong. In reading, the only thing he actually did is ask for an activity… It seems to give a gift.
Jenée: But Nadira, come! If she likes him, she will not be in this position. Her only thought is, “I’m so excited. What should I wear in the escape room?” right??
Nadira: LW is usually not entirely sure of its own position on worrying about new partners. It is entirely plausible that LW does not like G! However, because there is a prejudice about the form that has not worked as a crush or a partnership can be done in the past, it is entirely to be afraid to build the connection. If you have been out of the game for a long time, or if you have never been there ~ The games can be felt more scary than exciting things. But get out of your army Be scary!
But I will tell me that there is an easy crystal for all this. It is to say that you like to spend time with him. And the best way to start the conversation is to absolutely ignore the therapist’s advice and say: Given his response, go there.
Gene Okay, this is fair. I can see that letters writers do not contact their feelings originally. And the therapist thinks she’s trying to have a date experience for her, so it’s harder to date because there’s no big elephant left in the room that I have never dated. I like the idea of asking him about his intentions.
But also… It will be G! I think I won’t want a person who feels “meh” and accepts the invitation to the therapist’s command!
Nadira: surely! In this scenario, it seems to be the most merciful thing of the letter writer and G.. If someone has been leading me for three months, I can rely on the life of violent crime. Besides, he says that LW does not like him in the same way as he can like himself, and he still seems to be as good as a friend to be a friend!
But I want to stab another small hole in this letter. Especially in one of the last sentences, “I don’t think the relationship doesn’t feel this.” Honey, you are not ~ relationship! Perhaps in Plato but not a romantic person! I’m a bit confused because this comment is not certain. category The LW about the relationship thinks they are and what they should think about. If you are officially dating, I think it will be very different. But when you define your relationship, you define what you like, what you like, and what you don’t like.
Gene: And I will see Netflix DOC absolutely and listen to a podcast for criminal acts inspired by the disappointment of a date.
I think the letter writer has solved this problem. So she can be honest. Not all the details of this letter, but he says, “Yes, asking the date,” she says, “Okay! If it’s a strange question, it’s probably not a big problem, so I’m probably knowing how it works, but I’m interested in hiking and I will know each other a little bit more.” A hint enough to know that she is not in a place where she is all in.
Nadira: lol! So I will be fair. Netflix — Fire me! As for my beloved letter writer, I think this is a perfectly expressed reaction. And if you want to make a more clear boundary if you are friendship and no longer, there is a way to adjust it to set a clearer boundary. But it begins with what the letter writer finds out, as in most cases. She Then we find out how to get there. I think it will be very helpful if you don’t follow the exposure of the date or if you don’t want to be more than a friend. If you say that, if you don’t know this person at all, I don’t think you will write this letter. If you want it, the intermediate basis is called friendship! And it is completely Achieved. Some courage and clear communication are required.
GeneAnd the last thing that is outstanding for me is that the letter writer tells her loneliness. Therefore, go to the date for the goal of the company, not the goal of deciding whether this will be your soulmate. Less loneliness can be happier and better about yourself, and all of this can be a bit light and fun. What should it be!
Perhaps your therapist has a point. I will withdraw my early thoughts that you should receive your copay In the back!
